My eyes caught a view of the glistening, snow covered ridge line that we hoped to climb. My husband and I were driving down the Seward, Alaska highway looking for a place to park to start our adventure. We'd be staring at that mountain peak all summer, but couldn't access it due to the extremely dense vegetation that grows at the base of the mountain all summer long. Now, with 6-feet of snow covering all those bushes and gnarly plants, our only obstacles were the snow and elevation!
We strapped on our snowshoes and entered the forest of pine trees clothed in a thick layer of snow. Our progress was steady and encouraging at the start, but then we hit the real elevation! Climbing up a steep slope is difficult in any situation, but in snow, it is exhausting! Every step up you take you slide back two! And since the snow is not a solid surface, half of the power you exert with each step gets absorbed into the snow rather than propelling you forward. Surrounded by trees, we had no way of knowing how close we were to the ridge line. I found myself thinking, "Can't we get just a glimpse of the mountain? I just need some hope!"
"Look!" my husband said, "you can see the sun shining on those trees, we must be close!"
We came to the top of a hill and there, in an opening in the trees, we could see the ridge line! It was still far away, but it gave us just that glimmer of hope that we needed!
It was still a slow and painful climb before we finally broke through the tree line onto the beautiful, snow, covered ridge line, but that glimpse of the mountain, that glimmer of hope kept us moving forward!
It's hard to keep moving forward when you can't see real progress and you don't know how long it will take to actually get to where you're going.
This past year has felt a lot like the beginning of our snowshoeing adventure. I started out with such great hopes and excitement, but as the days turned into weeks and then months without seeing any tangible progress, my 'fun meter' took a nose dive!
Most days now, I don't feel super motivated to get up in the morning. I mean really, what does it matter if I get up at 6am or 8am. We won't feel any closer to our goal!
The strain of this uphill battle we've been fighting of starting a business and just keeping ourselves financially afloat while our business endeavors are not bringing in a dime, has definitely taken its toll on me!
The only reason why I haven't quit is because Ryan is so determined and resolute on the vision he has for his business, and he believes without a doubt that he'll be able to accomplish it! I admire his strength!
I know people say that challenges can make you stronger, but I don't feel like this journey is making me stronger. I feel like I'm become weaker.
I keep telling myself to take it one day at a time, to just focus on what I can do today. I keep a daily gratitude journal. I've been exercising and going for regular walks. I've been trying to find the simple joys in each day, but yet I still find myself feeling anxious, stressed, and discouraged the majority of the time.
Facing those feelings each day is exhausting! To those struggling with such feelings now, my heart goes out to you!
What makes it even more difficult is to recognize that I need to change, and that I don't want to feel what I'm feeling, or do what I'm doing; but then not seem to get any relief from the efforts I'm making to break those negative patterns.
Each day is slow and painful. There are definitely still bright spots, and happy moments. Sometimes I can distract myself and feel 'normal' for awhile, but nothing seems to fully keep back the anxious, stressed, and discouraged feelings for any extended amount of time.
All I can do is choose to not give up; to choose to keep trying my very best everyday, even if my very best never seems to be enough. I just have to keep trying. It's not easy, and some days I still crash, and just lay down or cry or try and distract myself with a pointless game. But the next day I wake up and try again...
I have often thought, "Can't we just get a glimpse of our progress? I just need some hope that all our efforts are going in the right direction, and that they will be worth it!"
The days and weeks continued to pass by...and then I caught a glimpse!
One morning this week, as I was studying the scriptures, I read this verse,
"But the Lord knoweth all things from the beginning; wherefore, he prepareth a way to accomplish all his works among the children of men; for behold, he hath all power unto the fulfilling of all his words. (1 Nephi 9:6)
As I read those words, a thought entered my mind, "What is more important, accomplishing the Lord's work, or accomplishing what you want to do?"
I know the Lord cares about my hopes and dreams, and that He does want me to be successful, but as I thought more on this question, I realized that my focus for my life and what I wanted to have happen had become so myopic that I could no longer see what the Lord was doing for me to "prepare a way to accomplish His works."
I had shut myself off from seeing anything aside from what I had determined should be our outcome...Those specific terms I had created that would tell me we had a successful business, or even that we were making progress, or that we'd somehow be able to make ends meet even if it took us a couple more years before we were successful. And because I couldn't see the 'proof' I had determined was necessary to see before I could have hope, I let the fear and doubt and anxiety overcome me.
I had put my head down, and all I could see were my feet sliding back on the steep, snowy slopes; and the endless forest of trees caging me in.
It was only when I forced myself to figuratively 'look up' and take in the bigger picture, that I could finally see some sun shining on the tops of the trees.
I realized that my prayers shouldn't be filled with specific pleadings for what I wanted, or what I felt I needed; even if they were reasonable and 'righteous' requests. Rather, my prayers should be focused more on 'what does the Lord want for me?' and 'What does He want me to do?' The Lord always provides a way to accomplish His works, but what I needed to do first was to focus more on aligning my will with His.
You see, what I realized was that our minds cannot even begin to comprehend the potential we have. But, if we can let go of our finite visions and focus on surrendering our will to God, then we might begin to see what we are truly capable of, and what we are truly meant to do!
Life wasn't meant to be easy, but it was meant to be full of hope! Hope comes from looking for the Light! And if we can just catch a glimpse of that Light, we'll make it through whatever uphill battle we're facing!
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