Lifestyle Changes: Career and Home

It's interesting to look back on two years ago when Ryan and I first made the decision to move to Alaska and start a business. Knowing what I know now, we definitely would still make the same decision to move to Alaska, but there would certainly be a few things we would do differently. However, if we hadn't made the mistakes we did, we probably wouldn't be as wise as we are now. Personal experience is the best teacher, but that means things get a little messy sometimes!

The desire to move to Alaska started a few years before I met Ryan. I knew quite a few people who had worked up in Alaska during the summers, and had nothing but amazing things to say about. Not to mention how the idea of going to the 'last frontier' and exploring endless miles of untouched wilderness seemed to call out to my spirit of adventure.

Uniquely enough, one of the qualities that drew me to Ryan was also his love for Alaska and desire to live there at some point. However, we both got caught up in the thrill of dating and getting married, and then fell into jobs and an apt that all just kind of made sense and came easily; and thoughts of Alaska got pushed to the back of our minds.

Every decision you make during your last years of high school, then especially through college and grad school, plays a huge roll in what you end up doing for a career, and where you end up living. It's all about the networking, right! Well, I had done everything right, and was headed towards a career in the United States Forest Service. But for some reason, I just didn't feel excited about it. The only thing that excited me was that I would be making a decent income and there was plenty of room for growth. Right about this same time, Ryan found himself in the same position; working towards a career that he wasn't super excited about, and living in a location that neither of us felt like we should be. 

We knew something needed to change, but it seemed daunting. If we were to follow what our hearts were telling us, "go to Alaska and start a business", we would have to start over with basically everything! Our networking circle would start at zero. Our education and skill level for starting a business would start at zero. Our friends and having a place to live would all start at zero. We would essentially be turning our backs on a comfortable, stable life; connections and opportunities that had taken years to establish and build up, and going off completely on our own, starting with nothing, and hoping that something would work out.

Who does that?!

I know, it might sound exciting and adventurous, and I certainly thought that two years ago, but it very quickly did not feel exciting and adventurous once we stepped off into the unknown!

I still think about the career I turned down with the Forest Service. If I had pursued that path, I know I would definitely feel more accomplished and successful than I do now. But I can't really compare. I've started at zero again, and it takes time to rebuild my life according to my new focus and desires. Perhaps in a few more years I will feel more accomplished and successful than I ever would have working for the Forest Service. All I know right now, is that if I had stayed with the Forest Service, working in Ogden, Utah, I would have always wondered what could have been if Ryan and I had moved to Alaska. And I know I would have always regretted not taking the chance and just seeing what kind of life we could have made for ourselves. 

Now, we have that chance! We won't have any regrets for not following the yearnings of our souls! I can pretty much tell you what our life would've been like if we had stayed in Ogden, Utah; but there is no telling what our life will be like now, living in Alaska and starting a business! 

Lessons I've learned:

1. Big dreams require big risks.
2. The flow of life and what you feel inspired to do doesn't always make sense in the moment; just go with it and trust that you will see how it all comes together later.
3. If you take action based on faith and prayer, everything works out...but it doesn't hurt to have a plan before heading into the unknown, and a couple back up plans!
4. Don't be overly optimistic. Yes, you have to be able to find the positive in everything, but just because you believe you can plant a watermelon seed and have ripe watermelons in a week doesn't mean you will! Most things in life take time and effort, so don't expect to have everything you hoped for and dreamed for by tomorrow.
5. Be patient. Be patient with yourself, your spouse, Heavenly Father, and the process. Find a pace that you can maintain for a long time, and stick with it! Consistent, persistent effort will get results!
6. Remind yourself of why you're doing what you're doing often. If your purpose is strong enough, you can make it through any challenge!
7. Include the Lord in everything you do. He can see the full picture, and He knows your potential more than you do!

Consider the Lilies

This May will mark two years since Ryan and I first decided that we wanted to make Alaska our home. Out of those 24 months, we will have spent almost 12 of them in Alaska. So, as you can tell, the transition hasn't been easy. The path we've taken to make Alaska our home definitely hasn't been conventional, which may explain why it's been so bumpy, but despite it's roughness, we know we have been guided and blessed along every step of the way.

We believe strongly that our Heavenly Father has a plan for all of His children, and through every decision we've made, we have prayed and sought to know if it was Heavenly Father's will for us. However, just because the Lord directs us to do something, doesn't mean that it will always go smoothly; but it does mean that He will provide a way to accomplish what He has directed us to do! There is no way I could've done what we've done and continue to do what we're doing without the knowledge that we are being directed and led by the Lord.

Our first summer in Seward, Alaska, we sub-leased our apt in Logan, Utah for the summer months. We did this for two reasons. First, we own a Christmas light business in Cache Valley, and if we couldn't find sustainable, year-round work in Seward, or an affordable place to live during the winter, we could come back to Utah to run our Christmas Light business and have a place to live. Second, if we didn't end up liking Alaska, we would have an easy return back to Utah. Although we loved Alaska, and really wanted to stay through the winter, ultimately, the first scenario is what ended up bringing us back to Utah that first winter.

I'm sure it comes as no surprise to you when I tell you, that not having a consistent, reliable income can make it very difficult to afford a typical home/apt, with running water, electricity, a kitchen, and bathroom, in which to live.  I have a new found sense of gratitude for a home with all these amenities, especially since I have not been able to call one my own for the past year. However, this lack in my life has given me eyes to see the multitude of the Lord's tender mercies for me.

Our second summer in Alaska, Ryan and I were blessed with very gracious friends who allowed us to live in a barn behind their house. Despite what the name implies, the barn was a step up in living from our previous summer's home. It was already connected to electricity, and then our friends put in a sink and a toilet, hooking us up to running water! Certainly a tender mercy from the Lord! Despite these amenities, though, we knew that the barn would probably not be the most comfortable place to stay through the winter.

As the temperatures dropped to 30 degrees and below in October, the electric heaters in the barn couldn't quite keep the space as comfortably warm as it did in September. We also knew that our friends would need to 'shut off' the water to the barn because none of the pipes were insulated. With finances still tight and living conditions that would definitely pose a challenge during the colder months, we decided to return to Utah once more to run our Christmas Light business. Yet, we were determined to come back to Alaska as soon as we could, so that we could experience an Alaskan winter!

Our plans were to be in Utah and PA from October-December, hanging Christmas Lights and visiting family. Then we would go back to Alaska the beginning of January, return to Utah in February to take down Christmas Lights, and then head back to Alaska for good in March.  

I don't know why I wasn't concerned about living in a barn during a winter in Alaska, but I guess I just told myself that it would only be a month or two (Jan and Mar), and if we could just make it through that time, the weather would start to warm up, and it would be back to the conditions we were used to. I still had not even begun to feel concerned about our return to Alaska when Ryan's cousin in Anchorage contacted us to see if we could house sit for them from January 9th to February 6th. We were scheduled to fly back to Alaska on January 11th. The timing was absolutely perfect! We had a home to live in during the most bitter part of the winter!

I was immediately overcome by a powerful feeling that my Heavenly Father knew who I was, and that He knew what my concerns and needs were even before I did. 

Could we have survived a month in the barn? Probably, but it would have definitely been a struggle! 

This small tender mercy of a home in the winter, reminded me that my Heavenly Father does indeed care about me. And that despite all the times in the past two years that I have been uncomfortable and uncertain of how we would live or make ends meet, that my Heavenly Father has never forgotten about me or abandoned me. 

It's easy for me to become fearful when I can't see how things will work out, but through my own experiences, the Lord has taught me to "...consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they toil not, neither do they spin: And yet I say unto you, That even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. Wherefore, if God so clothe the grass of the field, which today is, and tomorrow is cast into the oven, even so will he clothe you, if ye are not of little faith."

Matthew 6:28-30 (also found in 3 Nephi 13:28-30)

We drove down from Anchorage to visit our friends in Moose Pass. This is the barn we were initially planning on staying in!

This would've been our view from the barn!

Ryan and I dancing for joy in our 'home' for the winter.

Catching a Glimpse of Hope

My eyes caught a view of the glistening, snow covered ridge line that we hoped to climb. My husband and I were driving down the Seward, Alaska highway looking for a place to park to start our adventure. We'd be staring at that mountain peak all summer, but couldn't access it due to the extremely dense vegetation that grows at the base of the mountain all summer long. Now, with 6-feet of snow covering all those bushes and gnarly plants, our only obstacles were the snow and elevation! 

We strapped on our snowshoes and entered the forest of pine trees clothed in a thick layer of snow. Our progress was steady and encouraging at the start, but then we hit the real elevation! Climbing up a steep slope is difficult in any situation, but in snow, it is exhausting! Every step up you take you slide back two! And since the snow is not a solid surface, half of the power you exert with each step gets absorbed into the snow rather than propelling you forward. Surrounded by trees, we had no way of knowing how close we were to the ridge line. I found myself thinking, "Can't we get just a glimpse of the mountain? I just need some hope!"  

"Look!" my husband said, "you can see the sun shining on those trees, we must be close!"

We came to the top of a hill and there, in an opening in the trees, we could see the ridge line! It was still far away, but it gave us just that glimmer of hope that we needed!

It was still a slow and painful climb before we finally broke through the tree line onto the beautiful, snow, covered ridge line, but that glimpse of the mountain, that glimmer of hope kept us moving forward!

It's hard to keep moving forward when you can't see real progress and you don't know how long it will take to actually get to where you're going.

This past year has felt a lot like the beginning of our snowshoeing adventure. I started out with such great hopes and excitement, but as the days turned into weeks and then months without seeing any tangible progress, my 'fun meter' took a nose dive!

Most days now, I don't feel super motivated to get up in the morning. I mean really, what does it matter if I get up at 6am or 8am. We won't feel any closer to our goal! 

The strain of this uphill battle we've been fighting of starting a business and just keeping ourselves financially afloat while our business endeavors are not bringing in a dime, has definitely taken its toll on me!

The only reason why I haven't quit is because Ryan is so determined and resolute on the vision he has for his business, and he believes without a doubt that he'll be able to accomplish it! I admire his strength!

I know people say that challenges can make you stronger, but I don't feel like this journey is making me stronger. I feel like I'm become weaker.

I keep telling myself to take it one day at a time, to just focus on what I can do today. I keep a daily gratitude journal. I've been exercising and going for regular walks. I've been trying to find the simple joys in each day, but yet I still find myself feeling anxious, stressed, and discouraged the majority of the time. 

Facing those feelings each day is exhausting! To those struggling with such feelings now, my heart goes out to you! 

What makes it even more difficult is to recognize that I need to change, and that I don't want to feel what I'm feeling, or do what I'm doing; but then not seem to get any relief from the efforts I'm making to break those negative patterns. 

Each day is slow and painful. There are definitely still bright spots, and happy moments. Sometimes I can distract myself and feel 'normal' for awhile, but nothing seems to fully keep back the anxious, stressed, and discouraged feelings for any extended amount of time. 

 

All I can do is choose to not give up; to choose to keep trying my very best everyday, even if my very best never seems to be enough. I just have to keep trying. It's not easy, and some days I still crash, and just lay down or cry or try and distract myself with a pointless game. But the next day I wake up and try again...

I have often thought, "Can't we just get a glimpse of our progress? I just need some hope that all our efforts are going in the right direction, and that they will be worth it!"

The days and weeks continued to pass by...and then I caught a glimpse!

One morning this week, as I was studying the scriptures, I read this verse,

"But the Lord knoweth all things from the beginning; wherefore, he prepareth a way to accomplish all his works among the children of men; for behold, he hath all power unto the fulfilling of all his words. (1 Nephi 9:6)

As I read those words, a thought entered my mind, "What is more important, accomplishing the Lord's work, or accomplishing what you want to do?" 

I know the Lord cares about my hopes and dreams, and that He does want me to be successful, but as I thought more on this question, I realized that my focus for my life and what I wanted to have happen had become so myopic that I could no longer see what the Lord was doing for me to "prepare a way to accomplish His works."

I had shut myself off from seeing anything aside from what I had determined should be our outcome...Those specific terms I had created that would tell me we had a successful business, or even that we were making progress, or that we'd somehow be able to make ends meet even if it took us a couple more years before we were successful. And because I couldn't see the 'proof' I had determined was necessary to see before I could have hope, I let the fear and doubt and anxiety overcome me. 

I had put my head down, and all I could see were my feet sliding back on the steep, snowy slopes; and the endless forest of trees caging me in.

It was only when I forced myself to figuratively 'look up' and take in the bigger picture, that I could finally see some sun shining on the tops of the trees. 

I realized that my prayers shouldn't be filled with specific pleadings for what I wanted, or what I felt I needed; even if they were reasonable and 'righteous' requests. Rather, my prayers should be focused more on 'what does the Lord want for me?' and 'What does He want me to do?' The Lord always provides a way to accomplish His works, but what I needed to do first was to focus more on aligning my will with His. 

You see, what I realized was that our minds cannot even begin to comprehend the potential we have. But, if we can let go of our finite visions and focus on surrendering our will to God, then we might begin to see what we are truly capable of, and what we are truly meant to do!

Life wasn't meant to be easy, but it was meant to be full of hope! Hope comes from looking for the Light! And if we can just catch a glimpse of that Light, we'll make it through whatever uphill battle we're facing!

It's Been Awhile...

 We haven't talked in awhile...and a lot has happened, not just in my life, but I'm sure yours, and definitely in the world! Whew! I'll tell you one thing, life keeps you on your toes!

The last time I published a post was back in the fall of 2015! I was a single, 25-year old, just starting a 3 year Master's Degree program in Landscape Architecture at Utah State University in Logan, Utah. Now, I'm a married, 30-year old, just starting a virtual Mobility and Stability Coaching business with my husband while living out of a barn in Moose Pass, Alaska!

Can I be completely open with you? 

I love writing! I feel like it is the best way for me to express myself, work through my feelings, and capture the wonderful moments that life has to offer!...Buuuut, I get burned out pretty easily, probably because I compare myself to others far more than what is healthy...if any amount is even healthy!

I see others getting more likes and comments, or I feel like they are doing it better, so why should I bother trying; there are a myriad of things that pick away at my self-worth until it comes crashing down, and then I have to take a few months away from social media to build myself up again. It's not a healthy cycle! 

Understanding this about myself, I thought long and hard about returning to blogging. It's been on my mind for about a year now, but I haven't acted on it because I've been afraid....Afraid that I'll crash and burn again. Afraid it won't produce the results I'm expecting. Afraid others will dislike what I have to say. Afraid no one will even read what I have to say. Afraid of a lot of things! So, I kept pushing the feeling away.

Well, there's only so many times you can push a feeling away before you realize that it's not going to go away, and that you had better do something about it!

I figured the first step was to address some of my fears.

First, what if I start blogging again, and just crash and burn? 

As I thought long and hard about this, I realized that the reason I have crashed and burned in the past is because I'm not having fun. Somewhere along the way, I stop enjoying what I'm doing, and start trying to produce what I think other people will like, or what they expect me to produce, and it becomes more of an obligatory task instead of an enjoyable hobby. So, goal #1 this time around: Have fun! I'm not here to make money, promote a business, sell a product, or preach a cause; I'm writing because I love to write, and I want to document my feelings and experiences in such a way that maybe someone else can find value from them during a time when they are seeking inspiration, encouragement, or just reassurance that everything will be okay even when it feels like everything is crashing down around you! 

Second, what if blogging doesn't produce the results I want?

What are the results I want? Of course, who wouldn't say that earning money for writing a blog would be fantastic? It would be! But that is not the result I want. It's definitely not wrong to start a blog with that desire, but for me, I know that goal will not help me to be consistent and produce content that is sincere and genuine. So what do I want from this blog? To be honest, I know having a specific niche is the most effective approach to getting a message across, gaining a following, and having incredible success! But I don't have a niche, and I really don't want to limit myself to one thing or one group of things. I am a multi-talented young lady with a wide range of interests! And besides that, life is always changing, and I am always adapting and learning! So, if I have to pick a niche, then I choose the niche of living life to the fullest! --But to get back to the topic on hand, what are the results I want? I want to use my gift of writing to document this incredible life I've been blessed to live, the good times and the bad times. Perhaps someone will find value in it, but if not, that's okay. Ultimately, this blog is a way for me to work through life's craziness and to recognize the abundant tender mercies of the Lord. 

Third, what if people dislike what I write about?

Rude, negative comments hurt! I know they are just words, and usually come from people who have no place saying them, but they still hurt! I don't pretend to believe that I can make everyone happy, but I genuinely like people and I want them to like me as well. So, I don't know about this one, it could be a struggle. I guess the most I can do is just be myself, seek guidance from the spirit, and respond to others in love, regardless of how they choose to treat me. No matter what I do in life, I'm going to have to learn how to compassionately respond to people who are pessimistic and cruel.

Fourth, what if no one even reads what I write? 

I think this fear goes back to the fear about not getting the results I want out of this blog. I need to remind myself, that it isn't my goal to become the most popular blog in the country. Yes, I hope people read my blog. and I hope they find something of value from what I have to share, but ultimately, if I'm the only one that ever reads any of these words, that is okay. I'm probably the one who needs to hear them the most anyway!

So, here it goes! I'm going to give blogging another whack! A lot of interesting things have transpired in my life in the past 5 years, so some of my next posts will fill you in on what I've done and what has brought me to this point. Much of what I have to say right now will make a lot more sense once you get a bit of the back story! 

It's going to be one heck of a rocky ride, no doubt plenty of
'sharp rocks at the bottom,' but if you're up for adventure, then I invite you to join me on this fabulous journey that life is taking me on!

"And if men come unto me..."

This life was meant to refine us; to build upon our strengths, and to strengthen our weaknesses.  However, despite knowing that the recognition of weaknesses is a necessary aspect of this life, it is still hard to not become slightly discouraged and sad when our personal weaknesses are made apparent to us.  No one wants to feel so vulnerable and inadequate.  As I struggled with the painful realization of a weakness that I crucially needed to change, a verse from the Book of Mormon came to mind, "And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness.  I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them" (Ether 12:27).  As this verse went through my head, a new thought dissipated the sadness and frustration I was feeling.  "This weakness I was struggling with was an opportunity to become better!  I didn't have to feel the way I was feeling.  My Savior could change my heart!  Through fervent prayer, fasting, studying the word of God, and selfless service, this weakness that was currently making me feel so vulnerable and inadequate, could truly become a strength!"  Obviously, this process won't be easy, but it gives me hope!  Hope that the inevitable human flaws we possess were never meant to discourage us or to bring us down; they were meant to lift us up, and to show us what more we could become!

Latter-day Saints

I'm a fairly ordinary person with challenges, frustrations, weaknesses, and doubts just like everyone else.  The only difference perhaps is that when my soul is conflicted, I don't push the issue aside to subconsciously eat away at me; but neither do I radically embrace it, disregarding all the principles around which I have shaped my life.  Instead, I take the issue head on, analyze it from all aspects, study it out using trusted resources, and then as I come to certain conclusions, I try them out and evaluate my results.  It's actually a pretty complicated process...and takes a lot of work depending on my dilemma...but it's a process that hasn't failed me yet!  

For some time now, I've been going through this process in regards to an aspect of LDS culture that has recently troubled me.  The issue encompasses much more than I can share with you in a short blog entry, but I will do my best to explain.
  
Have you ever heard someone say, "If you truly loved the Lord, you would...(insert righteous action)."  Every time I heard that phrase or similar expressions, I couldn't help but think, "What on earth does that mean?!  Why is it necessary to consistently remind us of everything we aren't doing?  And what of everything that we are doing?  Were those efforts never to be recognized or appreciated?  Did any of that qualify us as one who loves the Lord, even as meager as it may be?!"  I felt as though we, as a body of very diverse people in various stages of life and progression, were constantly being measured against a very singular, unpractical, and unattainable scale.  Now, I know that we should be constantly improving.  Even the prophet Nephi recognized his flaws and need for improvement (2 Nephi 4); but if we never feel good about what we are doing, or if our righteous efforts are never fully recognized or appreciated, then we're never going to be motivated to improve.  Instead, we will become overwhelmed and frustrated with how futile and insignificant our efforts seem to be, and simply give it up all together!  How can we expect anyone in the Church to feel good about their progress if when after every attempt they make for improvement they come to church only to hear that they need to do more?!

Not only could I see how this constant push for improvement negatively affected individuals and their desire to remain faithful, but I could also see it having a damaging influence on the way we perceived one another.  If someone wasn't doing exactly what had been taught at church, they were looked down upon, or considered as one who needed 'help' or 'support'.  Aren't we all struggling, though??  Don't we all need help?  Can't we all improve just a little bit more?  Just because someone hasn't reached that singular, unpractical, and unattainable scale, doesn't mean they aren't progressing spiritually!  And in the eyes of God, aren't we all at the same level, no matter where we are??      


As I struggled with these thoughts, I decided to read Elder Dale G. Renlund's talk titled, Latter-day Saints Keep On Trying.  He states, "As God encourages us to keep on trying, He expects us to also allow others the space to do the same, at their own pace."  The Gospel of Jesus Christ is a Gospel of improvement.  We cannot be stagnant!  Yet, who are we to judge the progress or lack thereof, of others?  A seasoned runner may be able to increase his/her distance and better his/her time each week.  Yet someone who has never run before in his/her life may take months to make one simple and almost infinitesimal improvement.  But they progressed!  Likewise, we cannot look at the actions of those around us and assume that they are not trying, or that they are not improving.  Rather, let us do as Elder Dale G. Renlund's counsels, and "evaluate our lives, repent, and keep on trying.  If we don't try, we're just latter-day sinners; if we don't persevere, we're latter-day quitters; and if we don't allow others to try, we're just latter-day hypocrites.  As we try, persevere, and help others to do the same, we are true Latter-day Saints.  As we change, we will find that God indeed cares a lot more about who we are and about who we are becoming than about who we once were." 

Compliments??...

As long as I can remember I've been stronger, broader, and more muscly than the average girl.  It definitely has it's benefits...I've never been called girly or wimpy!  But, it also has its downsides...like shopping for dainty, short-sleeve shirts!  The most interesting challenge, though, has been the comments I receive which I'm not quite sure if I should feel complimented or offended.  

Example 1:  "Courtney!  We saw you sitting on the couch and I said to Sam, that's gotta be Courtney, I recognize her arm!"

My 'recognizable' physical quality is my arm?!...hmmm, that's attractive.

Example 2:  "Courtney, we need to move a huge rock down the trail tomorrow, could you help us?  It took four of us guys to get it into the truck, but now we're down one guy, so we could really use you."

My strength is equated to that of a grown man?!...yeeeeeaaaaah, I have no other comments in regards to that!

Example 3: "I saw you running today and thought to myself, 'I wouldn't want to meet her in a dark ally.'"

Really!? Do my arms make me look that intimidating??...Cuz I'm sure nothing else about me does!

I could give you countless more examples, but I don't want to completely embarrass myself! haha!  So you see my dilemma?  It's probably something I'll always be slightly sensitive about, but over the years I've come to this conclusion; there's no way I'll ever have tiny arms, so I might as well embrace the strong, broad, muscly ones I have!  Besides, let's be honest, I would rather be a strong, independent woman that can single handedly carry four bags of luggage through an airport, push a four-wheeler off from on top of me, scale 10ft tall fences, and beat boys at pull up competitions, than look cute and girly in a dainty, short-sleeve t-shirt.